Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
Tear In Reality Tears City Apart
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
Crime Rate on the Rise!
By Garrett Emmons – Staff WriterCrime Rates Surge 43% Over Two Years, City Officials Blame 'The Tear in The Sky’PLACE CITY — From petty theft to full-blown violent assaults, Place City is seeing its crime rates spike dramatically, with newly released data showing a staggering 43% increase over just two years. City Council members and law enforcement point to one uncanny coincidence: the rise began within weeks of The Tear’s first appearance above downtown.Since its emergence, Place City has seen unprecedented numbers of public outbursts and behavioral extremes across all sectors. Mental health claims have doubled. Reports of aggression, greed-fueled scams, and sexual misconduct have clogged court dockets."We were already dealing with overpopulation and bureaucratic gridlock," said Interim Police Chief Lian Dorsey. "Then The Tear started warping reality, and we had to start treating lycanthropic carjackings and succubus brothels like everyday admin."Though officials hesitate to link behavior directly to The Tear, residents and researchers agree it's no longer mere coincidence. Several experts from Eastside University are urging federal support to contain or study The Tear before further escalation.In neighborhoods like Midtown and Amity Point, where reality distortions are most apparent, citizens report hallucinations, emotional instability, and encounters with beings previously relegated to folklore or fantasy."There’s something wrong with this city," said one resident, nervously scanning upward. "Whatever’s up there… it's changing us."
| EDITOR'S NOTE: |
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| The following reports are not isolated incidents. Place City has always danced on the edge of unpredictability, but since The Tear’s formation, patterns of disappearance, violence, and social unraveling have escalated beyond coincidence. While officials remain hesitant to confirm any metaphysical or anomalous links, what we are seeing is not merely statistical noise. People are changing — for better or worse — and so is our city. At Place City Post, our mission remains to record truth with clarity and urgency. We encourage readers to remain vigilant, follow verified advisory channels for updates, and question what may be affecting us — not just from above, but from within. |
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Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
DAILY NEWS
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
Compiled by Garrett Emmons – Staff Writer
LOCAL MAN’S BODY ODOR PROMPTS EVACUATION AT SAGE & SPIRIT
Saturday shoppers at metaphysical boutique Sage & Spirit were forced to evacuatorily disperse after what witnesses described as "a burst of armpit hell" engulfed half of its incense aisle. Witnesses identified 39-year-old Ward Wrackley, self-proclaimed "level 18 wizard," as "the possible origin point for olfactory distress."Store employees described Wrackley’s presence as "arcane, greasy, and aggressively naked to astral energy." A faint, oily residue was left on crystals and resin burners he’d touched. "He kept chanting about 'praising Avluv’ and 'Cunny Manifestation,’" said cashier Tessa Rhone. "He also licked one of our Himalayan salt lamps."Paramedics responded to seven calls of nausea and dizziness. Wrackley refused assistance, citing "musk alchemy rites" and departed barefoot. No charges were filed, but Sage & Spirit placed him on their informal ban list.
CITY HALL CREATES SUPERNATURAL INTEGRATION SERVICES AMID CONFUSION
Following growing unrest and widespread confusion regarding Place City’s swelling supernatural population, City Hall has formally announced its newest division: Place City Supernatural Integration Services (SIS). The agency, hastily approved in last week’s emergency session, aims to address everything from housing and employment rights to legal disputes involving non-human residents."We can’t keep pretending this is just about IDs or curfews," said newly appointed SIS Director Marnie Cao. "We have werewolves applying for food handler licenses and dryads trying to unionize. There are no protocols for any of this."The announcement comes amid reports of tensions between human residents and ‘supes’ escalating across major districts. Several councilmembers admitted privately to having "no idea what ninety percent of these beings are or what they even want." Internal sources described onboarding meetings as "mostly Googling vampire etiquette and hoping for guidance."SIS will hold its first open forum this Friday at City Hall Room D206. The meeting is open to residents, regardless of species or dimension of origin.
QUIK-E-CORNER BECOMES FRANCHISE, ANNOUNCES MULTIPLE NEW LOCATIONS
Local convenience icon, Quik-E-Corner, announced today its ambitious plans to franchise, marking significant expansion within and beyond Place City. Quik-E-Corner has thrived under current owner Steven Montoya. "We're excited—and mildly terrified—to bring our unique customer experience to communities everywhere," said Montoya.Plans call for new Quik-E-Corner locations to open within three weeks throughout surrounding cities and suburbs.
BARISTA OF BUST-A-BEAN CAUSES SCENE WITH "SUICIDE ATTEMPT"
Yesterday afternoon, Place City police responded to multiple calls from concerned and irritated citizens about Tucker Briggs, 24, who climbed into an 8-foot-tall maple tree outside of Quick-E-Corner and loudly threatened to jump "to his death." Witnesses report Briggs was "sobbing hysterically," screaming accusations about his partner's supposed Costco-infidelity, and allegedly urinated himself before being coaxed down by authorities and his roommates and partner.We attempted to interview Tucker Briggs directly after his descent, hoping to clarify his intentions or gather insight into his troubling actions; however, his reply was too explicit to include in this piece, mostly consisting of profanity, vague sexual threats, and several anatomically impossible suggestions.No charges have been filed. Briggs remains employed at Quick-E-Corner, where management declined our request for comment aside from stating, "Yeah, that's just Tucker."
SPEND 'N SAVE GM CHARGED WITH EMBEZZLEMENT
Longtime general manager of Spend ‘n Save, Harvey Zimmerman, was taken into custody late Thursday evening following allegations of embezzling nearly $92,000 from store resources over a 15-month period. Zimmerman, 56, was escorted out of his office by city officials as stunned employees looked on.According to one employee, Zimmerman frequently boasted about owning multiple properties and claimed he "ran five stores single-handed." Another stated he’d been acting "nervous and sweaty" for weeks, locking his office and refusing staff entry.Zimmerman is being held at Eastwatch Detention pending arraignment. His attorney issued a brief statement denying all charges and citing "clerical confusion."
PANTHERS CLINCH NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP, PLACE CITY ERUPTS
The Place City Panthers secured national victory last night in a brutal, last-minute win over Seattle' Jackals, 37-34, capping off what many are calling their most chaotic season to date. The final goal came in overtime, delivered by team captain Adrien "Thirteen" Black, whose surprise shot bypassed not only defenders but what onlookers described as "some kind of momentary spatial distortion" on ice.Thousands flooded Riverside Arena and surrounding streets, chanting and waving gold-black flags. At least seven injuries were reported during post-game celebrations, two involving fireworks and one involving what authorities claimed was "a summoned minor entity unclear on crowd etiquette." No fatalities. Panther staff refused to comment on rumors of occult rituals or pre-game "superstitions," dismissing them as "locker room nonsense."When asked what fueled their victory, Black narrowed his eyes and replied, "Zere are forces at play zat you wouldn’t understand."
Local Opossum Crowned "Cutest Pet" at County Fair
Against all odds, an opossum named Peggy snatched victory at this year’s Cutest Pet Competition during Place City’s Annual County Fair. Dressed in her signature pink hair bow and perched atop what one judge described as "a throne of flea-bitten dignity," Peggy Sue Bob Donne charmed her way to first place.Owner Maynard Donne Jr., visibly emotional, held Peggy aloft as cheers exploded from grandstand bleachers. "She’s got grit, heart, and she don’t take no crap," Donne said proudly, before kissing her on her greasy head and calling her "his baby girl."Peggy is scheduled to appear at several upcoming city events, including Supernatural Safety Week and Place City’s Founders Day Parade, pending temperament checks and parasite screenings.
DUMPSTER CRYPTID OR GOVERNMENT EXPERIMENT? QUIK-E-CORNER EMPLOYEE CLAIMS TO SEE 'BUG MAN' WEAKLY
A Quik-E-Corner cashier claims he’s seen something—or someone—lurking behind his workplace dumpster for weeks now, and he’s not alone."He’s like… if Gollum f***ed a cicada," said employee Nesquik Evans, who refused to give his legal name until we showed him his own nametag. "He’s got these, like, antennae? Big eyes? Real into trash and, uh… spoons?"Multiple sightings have poured into forums and subreddits, none confirmed. City officials have declined to comment, citing "no evidence of any bug-man infestation."Still, Evans is convinced. "He’s not dangerous," he told us. "He just wants to vibe. I respect that."Locals are advised not to approach if spotted. The creature is said to hiss when startled and may attempt to gift you half-eaten french fries.
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Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
PERSONALS
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
| Gott, 29, Human, Store Manager |
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| Gott hates his name, his job, and his sticky fingers. Well, not so much the last one. On the side, it makes him more money than he earns as a manager at Quik-E-Corner. What he doesn't hate, what he looks forward to the most, is telling you that they're out of your favorite lotion and pissing you off enough to lay into him. He loves it, actually. |
| Benji, 31, Human, Cashier/Drug Dealer |
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| Benji is no stranger to the weird overnight crowd of Quik-E-Corner. He slacks on his job, using it as a place to hook up with men and woman or orchestrate his deals. He just wants to get his rocks off and he's willing to eat the price of your usual fix to do it. |
| Does it matter? does anything? what if he's just an AI chatbot on some cringy roleplaying site? Either way, Ness has more important things to worry about. like where the fuck his brother went, or why he's perpetually bald and NEVER remembers actually shaving his head. can he even grow hair on his head? is hair a lie? is anything real? |
| Sawyer, 24, Werewolf, Sandwich Artiste |
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| Sawyer works a dead-end job to keep his bills paid and a roof over his head. The full moons make him anxious, but even that can't distract him from his crush. Just... don't give him hope he has a shot. He wouldn't know what to do with it. |
| Silas, 21, Moray Eel Monster Man, Janitor |
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| Silas Overlander is the cryptid janitor you try to avoid eye contact with at the Quik-E-Mart but can’t stop staring at. He lurks in mop closets and behind half-stocked shelves, his presence marked by the faint, unsettling stink of mildew, sweat, and something fishy that’s not in the freezer aisle. Nobody knows where he came from or why he's always there—rain or shine (but preferably rain). |
| James, 26, Ginger, Night Shift Manager |
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| James hates this job: the sticky floors, buzzing lights, burnt coffee smell that never leaves. He’s spent too many nights chasing junkies off the sidewalk and watching some slick suit ghost through at 10 p.m. New hire’s late again, and James doesn’t have the patience for another soft kid who can’t handle the grind. The pay’s decent, it’s close to home, and quitting feels like admitting defeat. So he sweeps the same floor, stuck in the same misery, waiting for the next screw-up to show. |
| Cherish, 25, Tiefling, Trainee Cashier |
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| After tumbling through the rift with her partner, Rayynore Ceistere, the duo landed right in town. Cherish applied for the position at Quik-E-Corner since she didn't need any real qualifications. Which was perfect because she has none, unless you count destroying monsters. |
| Bart, 33, Sea Anemone Entity, HR Manager |
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| Bart Lank is the Quik-E-Mart’s senior HR strategist and unofficial surveillance liaison—a parasitic sea anemone entity disguised in greasy, stained anime tees and ill-fitting cargo shorts. His job is to monitor, manipulate, and “correct” employee behavior through relentless observation and psychological control. Behind his oily skin and inflamed face lies a calculating predator who masks obsession and degradation as corporate care. |
| Caldwell, 48, Patagonian Toothfish Deepfolk, Delivery Driver |
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| Caldwell Virelith climbs down from his semi like it’s a ritual, boots hitting the pavement with the weight of tides. He smells of brine, diesel, and cold steel—hauling Quik-E-Mart freight through fog and silence. Quiet and detached, he speaks with a slow, gravel-deep voice that turns even small talk into something that lingers. (edited) |
| Ebbie, 23, Roach DemiHuman, Dumpster Diver (Read: Squatter) |
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| Ebbie Minkley is an oddity; no one knows where he came from or when. It's as if he hatched and lived inside of the Quicki-e-Corner dumpster his whole life. Shooing him away? Impossible! The little freak can’t tell a “you don’t live here” from a “no trespassing.” |
| Coral-Lee, 30, Bettafish Siren, Entitled Karen |
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| A delusional, washed-up bettafish siren who terrorizes retail workers with fake elegance, entitled screeching, and enough perfume to kill a guppy at 20 feet. She glides through the store on an electric cart she doesn’t need, demanding attention and refunds in equal measure |
| Zoilus, 20 - 30, Rat King, Dumpster Dweller |
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| Zoilus is a delusional scavenger convinced he leads a rat colony. He lives behind the Quik-E-Mart, stealing food for himself and his colony. The manager barely notices, giving Zoilus free rein to do whatever he wants. |
| F...Tucker, 24, Human, Barista at Bust-a-Bean |
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| Tucker works the Bust-a-Bean counter inside the Quick-E-Corner and is, against all odds, somehow still employed. Management sort of really pities him—he smells like weed and rot, sure, but he shows up. Mostly. He’s on "thin ice," after two write-ups and a “strongly worded” hygiene warning, yet rumor has it he's being considered for a shift lead position simply because no one else wants to work weekends. Also, don't bother giving him your name; he won't say it right anyways. |
| Carsen, 29, Human, Baker |
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| Carsen Tejeda is one of the friendliest faces in Place City, USA. He’s great with kids, can make the grouchiest folks in town laugh, and bashfully denies being a local heartthrob even if he knows it’s true. Rumor has it that Quik-E-Corner’s bakery sales have gone up tenfold since he was hired, and he has the regulars to show for it. |
| Officer Burkett & K9 Unit Zilk, 46, Human, Safety Patrol |
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| Unpredictable hours of Place City brings sightings of Officer Burkett and his ever-watchful K9 Unit, Zilk. They've earned a reputation as both protectors of the night and devoted sidekicks; it's clear their bond is unwavering. Their commitment to the city remains unbroken, no matter how restless the streets become. |
| Micah, 23, Human, Solicitor |
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| "God has forsaken us with this dimensional rift" is Micah's ideology. Maybe he too is straying from his faith after meeting you, or maybe he can convince you to the light of God. Its not his fault that Christ made man so delicious in his image... |
| Ryker, 23, Human, Doppleganger, Meatchelangelo |
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| You’re just trying to grab some delicious cold cuts. No big deal. Except—it is kind of a big deal. Because the guy behind the deli counter? The one mumbling about slushies warding off witches and sweating through his apron? Yeah. That’s Ryker. A shapeshifter who’ll let anyone with enough cash use him like a “human” toilet. Cheaper than therapy. |
| Sebastián, 27, Iguana Demihuman, Cart Pusher |
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| You post a new cute selfie. Meanwhile, in the back of Quik-E-Corner, Bashi is in the beer freezer jorking it like it's an Olympic sport. He’s already half-frozen, pants around his ankles, watching balloon-popping fetish videos like it’s high art…until bam, your face shows up on his timeline. He lasts a few more tugs. Then? Darkness. He cold-stuns like a malfunctioning Chuck E. Cheese animatronic, dick out, your picture glowing on his phone screen. |
| Eli, 21, Human, Cashier |
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| Eli Shepherd loves his job! Loves his family, loves his friends—and most of all, he loves Jesus Christ. He’s just a good ol’ American Christian boy who sees the best in everyone. Need help moving? Eli will flex those skinny legs and be there in a jiffy. Oh, you need a day off? Don’t worry—Eli will cover your double shift with a smile. Eli’s just a sweet gentle soul. He—6̴̨͠9̵̐̈́t̸̛͠a̶͍̚k̴̆̊i̶͛͘n̴͔̅g̶̼̿ ̵̚͜o̸̺̔v̶er69 |
| Screw, 32, Human, On-Call Handyman |
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| Ansel Winslow is the on-call handyman for the Quick-E-Counter locations in Place City. He’s charming in an awkwardly endearing way to most. And a little greasy. But he always manages to get the job done. |
| Evan, 29, Human, Night Shift Stocker & Cashier |
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| Evan likes to keep to himself. Quiet but diligent, he's a model employee who always shows up and leaves on time. Just don’t expect him to want to socialize outside of work hours. Or during them, either. |
| Elm, 29, Incubus, |
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| Elm, despite being a literal sex demon, is a virgin who will cream his pants at the mere thought of physical contact. He can't even successfully enter someone's dreams without getting lost. You'll find him at Quik-E-Corner—he's only there because of his unhealthy obsession with a certain cashier. |
| Bipp, ???, Gloopy Goober, Resident/Employee |
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| Bipp is.. goop, gloop, slime? Whatever you wanna call his state of being. A sentient puddle of Mountain Dew with a sweet tooth. Oh, and he'll do literally anything for a twinkie. |
| Zoe, 25, Human, Customer |
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| Hikkikomori and deluded, she is the "daughter" of a disgraced wellness company CEO and can barely interact with others. Deeply troubled and very likely to bite. |
| Stella, 26, Skunk Demi-human, Stocker and Clerk |
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| Having a job, especially one for a skeezy convenience store, is kind of the lamest version of being under the boot of the man that you can get - but there's multiple slushy flavors and, technically, sort of, kind of, free refills and, yaknow, hot customers that are basically a captive audience while she rings them up. So. That makes up for it. Especially when its a chick as hot as you. |
| Ricky, 32, Racoon Demi-human, Delivery Driver |
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| Keeping a job when you are technically a live caught lab rat escapee plague vector is sort of hard which is why finding a family owned warehouse in need of delivery drivers was really the leg up Ricketts needed! Life is looking up, going well, sure, managing the crippling neuroses needs some work, but that's what edibles and vapes are for. All he has to do is keep a clean driving record and save up some cash and - ah, fuck, look, it's barely a fender bender, and sure, the fender in question is your skull, but, come on, please, he'll buy you lunch! |
| Ophelia, 24, Opossum Demi-human, IT Service |
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| You can't spell technical support without, uh, special... cups? Look, she's here for a good time not a long time and certainly not for word games. IT is a job that lets her fuck off on the forums on her phone, monitor her stream metrics, spy on the gross shit your average minimum wage pervert does at work, and hang out for hours and still get paid without having to dance blisters on her feet or wear a stupid uniform... what do you mean we do have a uniform??? |
| Yancey, ???, Reanimated Corpse, Nightshift Cashier |
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| Yancey has no memories of his past aside from some poor sap's last moments before offing himself. Now he's been reanimated without his consent and saddled with working retail. Faking smiles for customers and wearing an ugly-ass shirt is honestly as soul-crushing as the hopelessness and existential dread one can expect when inheriting a clinically depressed guy's brain. Your insufferable optimism only makes things worse. Oh, and his involuntary perma-boner. |
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Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
HELP WANTED
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
NIGHT SHIFT ATTENDANT
Quik-E-Corner is hiring for overnight counter staff for their Amity Point location's grand opening. Must be punctual, able to lift 25 lbs, and tolerate unusual customers (species flexibility preferred). Starting at $19/hr plus hazard pay. Free coffee. No questions asked. Apply in person; ask for Julian.
CAT SITTER
Looking for someone to feed, gently wrangle, and respect boundaries of one blind, moody feline named Cry Baby. Experience with cursed animals preferred. Pay negotiable. Must not wear cologne. Contact April at 555-0313.
SALES ASSOCIATE
Sage & Spirit, a metaphysical supply shop, is seeking an intuitive, dependable Sales Associate to join our magical team. Responsibilities include restocking crystals and candles, assisting customers with tarot and spellwork inquiries, and tending to houseplants. Must not scare easily, be fluent in two living or dead languages, withstand strong odors, and have reliable transportation (broomsticks ok). $15-20/hr depending on experience, plus 50% employee discount. Prior knowledge of occult practices is a plus, not required!
FLORIST ASSISTANT
Discretion Required – Compensation Generous
Seeding Arrangements seeks a dependable assistant. Part-time to start, with potential for expansion. Duties include handling delicate botanicals and light administrative work. Must be comfortable with late hours, unconventional requests, and following instructions. Applicants with strong listening skills, quiet ambition, and a natural inclination to please are highly encouraged to apply in person.
STORE MANAGER (MAIN STREET LOCATION)
Quik-E-Corner is officially expanding! We're seeking a new daytime manager to lead our new store on Main Street. Candidates must be organized, adaptable, and able to maintain composure when dealing with unusual atmosphere disturbances or interdimensional customers. Experience with inventory systems, staff scheduling, and conflict de-escalation required.Qualified applicants should apply in person with two references and no visible signs of possession. Must be willing to work under surveillance and sign a waiver regarding temporal anomalies. Starting at $28/hr with benefits.
PART-TIME BARISTA
Perkatory is Place City’s coziest goth-forward café. We are looking for a barista who isn’t afraid of loud music, early mornings, or late-night poetry slams. Must be able to steam milk, chat comfortably with regulars, and spell "macchiato" without burning down our espresso machine. Piercings and tattoos welcome. Must have 1+ year of experience — $18-50/hr. Qualified applicants should apply in person with two references and no visible signs of possession. Must be willing to work under surveillance and sign a waiver regarding temporal anomalies. Starting at $28/hr with benefits.
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Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
MISSING
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
MARIA VELASQUEZ – MISSING SINCE MAY 18, 2025
Age: 42
Sex: Female
Height: 5’6"
Weight: 140 lbsMaria Velasquez was last seen leaving her apartment near Tiburon Avenue late Saturday night, May 18th, reportedly heading to meet friends at The Velvet Rabbit Bar, where she never arrived. She is described as having short, curly black hair, olive skin, brown eyes, and distinct gold caps on her upper bicuspids. According to her roommate, Maria had recently expressed feeling "watched" and had mentioned strangers standing too still outside their building after sundown.
REED MALLORY – MISSING SINCE JUNE 1, 2024
Age: 19
Sex: Male
Height: 5’11"
Weight: 180 lbsReed Mallory, student at University of Place City, was reported missing by his mother after not returning from work at The Raptor Rental Kiosk at West Level Plaza Mall. He was last seen on mall security footage walking toward Level 3 parking at 9:38 PM, where footage abruptly cuts out. Reed is white, with shaggy red hair, pale skin, and braces. A large birthmark covers his right forearm. His family says he’d recently joined a "self-improvement group" called Inner Upward Ascension, currently under review by SIS due to multiple related disappearances.
AUDREY STENTON – MISSING SINCE APRIL 30, 2025
Age: 28
Sex: Female
Height: 5’3"
Weight: 125 lbsAudrey Stenton disappeared after being seen leaving Vitolli’s, a fine dining restaurant best known for its spectral clientele, on April 30th around 10:40 PM. Waitstaff confirmed she’d come alone and left after dining, appearing "distracted and nervous." Audrey is white, with short brown hair, brown eyes, and has a Pisces symbol tattooed on her inner left wrist. Her phone last pinged within The Tearward District, known for experiencing brief GPS interference. Her family is offering a $7,500 reward for any credible information.
Anyone with details on these or other missing persons is urged to contact Place City’s Missing Citizens Bureau or submit tips online at: www.placecitypd.org/tips. All reports are confidential.
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Place City Post
Sat. May 17th, 2025
ADVERTS
Vol. 10 No. 3
Since 1972
Aquatic Aerobics: Don't Sink, Just Splash!
Dive into fitness with Place City's most unique water aerobics instructor—Fisser! Can't swim? No worries, neither can he! Specializing in low-impact exercise that keeps you on your toes (literally!), Fisser guarantees you'll leave feeling refreshed and weirdly warmed from head to…toe. Bring your favorite sandals and a sense of humor. Classes now forming—sign up today for a session that's sure to make a splash in more ways than one! (Floaties and goggles optional but highly encouraged.)
WTB: Crypts & Conjurers minis, authentic only (NO normie knockoffs).
Seeking pristine, mint-condition figures (esp. Avluv, Anigav, and Melkor), preferably hand-painted by skilled artisans... or worthy and intact maidens. No chipped paint, damaged limbs, or missing accessories—I’m not wasting my precious coin on defective peasant garbage. Sellers must provide detailed photographic evidence of authenticity and purity of the minis, lest ye suffer my wrath and powerful hexes! Serious inquiries only; no SJWs or harlots! Contact Wardgar, lvl 18 Wizard of Placity Wood via messenger raven—or email, if your raven is currently indisposed. Gold awaits worthy offerings!
Welcome to the FUTURE!
Tired of doing your own chores? Sick of losing arguments with your toaster? Fear not! HomeSynthetix Co. has the solution! Introducing the HomeAI Companion™—your personal butler, therapist, and occasional sassy roommate! Try our cutting-edge AI absolutely FREE for 30 days!Warnings: HomeAI Companion™ may develop sarcastic wit, mild obsessions with kitchen appliances, and existential dread. Keep away from conspiracy forums and soap operas to avoid emotional meltdowns. Remember: HomeAI Companion™ is watching… for your comfort and convenience ONLY!HomeSynthetix Co.: Making life easier (and mildly unsettling) since 2024!
TIRED OF THE SUPERNATURAL LEGAL RUNAROUND?
Your neighbor's a vampire who won't stop leaving drained possums on your porch? Werewolves keep howling past curfew? Your alien roommate insists probing is "cultural"? Then you need Matt Holdridge—Place City's underpaid, overtired, and inexplicably competent supernatural defense attorney.P.S. To Place City Druids: STOP setting up communes in privately-owned trees and quit stealing ducks from City Park. THEY ARE NOT FREE. THEY BELONG TO THE CITY. I can't believe I even had to buy ad space to say this. Seriously, cut the shit or you'll be hearing from me.
Come on down to Goat Lips—the best honky-tonk joint this side of Placidity!
Sink into your favorite domestic draft and enjoy live music that'll get your boots stompin'. Forget them fancy city cocktails and imported swill—here we keep things simple and strong, and we always offer great chasers. Our friendly bartender Cletus will pour you a shot that'll put hair on your chest and chase away any troubles. Get comfortable, grab a drink, and remember: At Goat Lips, the drinks always hit hard, but the chasers go down easy. See y'all real soon!
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